Knowing I am going to break up with him, is is wrong that I change my relationship status on FB before I do aforementioned activity?
And dont worry about me, I will be miserable for awhile, cause I love him, but he's not The One and doesnt treat me like he should.
Ok, so I thought this was gonna be a short little post, but I feel like explaining.
I may have lied to ya'll. I may have told you Brandon is great to me. The truth is, he's just blah. He's just there. I mean, we have great dates and I enjoy being with him when i see him. But thats only 25% of the relationship. What about when we're apart? Shouldn't we communicate then too?
We went into our relationship saying we just wanted to be together, nothing serious, just us being together. Exclusive, but nothing serious. But I've changed. I fell for him, I love him. And he doesn't love me. he hardly cares for me like a man who is dating the same girl for almost 8 months should. We've never had that fire that should be there. he's never done anything super romantic for me or made me feel special. Ive never felt like he was dieing to see me or that I meant a lot to him. Most importantly, Ive never gotten anything out of him (such as, you look nice tonight, or, I'm having a good time tonight).
I know, I know! Ive put up with crap from him. We had a big discussion about his lack of (we'll call it) communication. He said he'd try. And then we just went on as we had. Him not trying, and me trying to show him how much I care, like gf's do. The biggest disappointment was when i found this shirt at Old Navy. It was white with this anchor on it. Brandon being in the Navy, i thought, how perfect! I bought it and on the bottom of the anchor wrote "I ♥ submariners". I wore it one night and he never said anything, and after I brought up the shirt 3 times, he finally told me it was kinda loud. Kinda loud? here is this sweet gesture, and he says that. Did he even think about my effort or feelings when he said that? I was so upset and felt like an idiot. Its like if I said ILU and him saying something shitty...same thing. Me going the extra mile and him doing nothing because he know I wont leave. I finally gave up and said I didn't want to fight. I really didn't...I finally decided that that battle wasn't something i wanted to pick. I didn't realize then that how he acted was how he felt about our relationship...I could be anyone...he could be with anyone...he's only with me because its comfortable for this moment. And hell, its easy to be with me...I do all the work!!!
I deserve to feel special. I want a man who share my passion and faith, and someone who can tell me how I look to him and how I make him feel and someone who can plan a little bit farther than the week. I really thought Brandon could be that person. I lied to myself thinking he could change once he got to know me more, once he found out who I am and who I could be for him. But he just doesn't care enough to see me for who I am.
I am sweet. I am kind. Im a good cook and will make a great mother. I maybe cry too much and get mad over stupid things, but I've learned to try and get over them without involving the guy if it really isnt their fault. I am crafty. i am goofy and I love the beach. I love country music and cuddling on the couch. Sometimes Im sad or upset or emotional and all I need is a sweet look that says "I'm here for you" and a long hug. I want a guy to really see me for who I am and love that. I will stand up for what I believe in...I am a strong person. Bt if I say I wont fight with you, leave me alone. I love life and I love all those around me. I give love freely, and accept love just as much. I am tenacious and a planner, yet I am struggling to plan my life right now.
All that is just a fragment of who I am right now. I am complex and confusing and ever changing. Is there a man who can love that, all of that?
I know Brandon cant, and that breaks my heart, because I know he just doesn't care.
(((hugs)))
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