Just a thought...

I miss him terribly...
that is all.

Oh my goodness....

I got some REALLY REALLY REALLY good news today, but I wont share until I know its for reals!

Yay!!

I finished my 'new' bed and my purse hanger! Now my room looks so nice...and now i have a real bed, the first in 10 months!!






Have I ever mentioned I LOVE LOVE LOVE chocolate and teal? :) I do!!!

Yup, it started out well

Well, i finished the bed. Now I just have to find where the hell I put the nuts and bolts to put it back together! Arghhh!

I made myself a delicious dinner at about 4pm yesterday. fresh wild salmon, mashed potatoes and a salad. So yummy and healthy.

At 5pm I started to feel like...umm...I'm gonna throw up.
But I didn't.

Until 7pm. Bleh. Ill spare you the details. But lets just say I'm not surprised. Every time one of the kids at my center gets sick, I get it too. So i asked my dad to get some Sprite for me at the store. Sprite ALWAYS makes me feel better and its usually the only thing i can keep down when Ive got a stomach bug. I cant even keep down water when I'm sick....so weird!
Que waking up at 11:45pm. And throwing up. Yay! I just love love love being sick.
So I'm home sick. And hungry as hell. Technically haven't eaten anything since breakfast yesterday. At least it was a healthy green shake!!!
I hate calling into work. Even though they dont need me, I still hate it. Grrr.

Good start!

I started out today really well!
I awoke at 9am, which is NOT my normal wake up time on a weekend. I'm sure Ill regret it tomorrow. We'll see.
I started to sand my bed. For those of you who don't know, I'm a cheapskate. I refused to spend hundreds on a bed, so I perused Craigslist looking for the perfect bed. Then, one day when driving to work I saw a wooden frame for a twin bed on the side of the road ie; free! Score! It was covered in graffiti (Id kill my kid if he ever ruined his bed the way this kid did!), stickers and what not. But, thanks to the magic of sandpaper and a lot of elbow grease, it now looks fab! Anyway, I sanded it down to the wood, got rid of this tacky looking wagon wheel on it...and now I'm waiting for the first coat of paint to dry. :) AND, the best part about this project is its completely free! i already had the paint, and the sandpaper was free as well (dad has a supply, although I should probably replenish it!!) The only thing that is going to cost a little coin is I want to put fabric covered wood pieces on the headboard and foot board...just to give it the look of expensive furniture. That should run me about $20. Not bad for a bed!!!

After I sanded the bed, I washed it down. While waiting for that to dry, I made and enjoyed my breakfast Green Shake:
8oz soy milk
2 cups organic mixed baby greens
1/2 c baby carrots
1 apple
1 c strawberries
splenda

Thats 5 servings for fruits and veggies in one drink! Woo hooo!
Believe it or not, I didnt gag or throw up when drinking it. :)
Ive got a headache....caffeine is calling my name!!!
Natiiii!!!!!!!!

BTW

I'm a vegetarian...been one since Nov. 2nd officially. :)

I blogged it on MySpace...have y'all forgotten???

Even though I eat chicken rarely, I am still a vegetarian. Its called flexitarian. Look it up. Or better yet, go read my blog on MySpace! LOL

Things I want to do

Eat 8-10 servings of veggies and fruits a day
Drink lots of water...and drink it out of a healthy plastic container
Exercise 30mins a day (at least)
No food that isn't vegetarian, and no fast food
Drink at least 1 green smoothie a day
No center food (bad!!)
Pay off bills and save money so I can move
Stop spending money on stupid things

Sooo...

Im trying to plan my future. :) God help me...I usually mess things up when I do so. But Ive gotta pull myself up by my bootstraps and dig myself out of this hole of debt that my soon-to-be-ex-husband and I put myself into. Ive got to be responsible and not only pay off these bills, but save up money so I can move back to Texas, get a part time job and go to school.

I need to be a responsible adult. Im freakin 23 now.

So I'm making decisions. I hope they are the right ones, cause Lord knows I am a really bad decision maker!!!

In Retrospect...

I should have listened to her...oh the things you wish you paid attention to!

"Haha, sure I do. Fancy dinners, Trips to Las Vegas, helicopter ride through the grand canyon, cirque de soleil show, many promises, all felt so wonderful... wedding bells, a couple years of happiness, then a couple years of lots of tears, heartbreak, therapy and testifying in court. I had it all and i lost it all, and it took everything just to keep my insanity. Just trying to be the protective older sister here, not saying anything bad is going to happen, just dont rush things. Everything sounds so great between you two, and even though for years I've been against marriage, I'm not so much anymore. I do want to get married and have a family some day, but I have learned that no matter how great he is, or wonderful things seem, There is always something you don't know and probably won't find out unless you really pay attention. You guys have something good but be careful. I thought I had found something good, also... Many times.

(sorry, thought this was a little too personal to put in a comment)"

From my dear friend A who has gone through pretty much everything I have, although life has been a lot tougher on her. :) Love you A!

D Day

Tomorrow is the big day.

That is all.

Trying,..

To install a blog counter...not working!!!
Correction...finally got it to work! Yippee!!

Wow, wow , and wow!!

Wow, wow, wow!!!

I called a dealership to get a quote on a spare tire, figuring that I'd get the spare tire while I'm waiting to find an inexpensive rim. Turns out, the dam* spare tire is $185 at least!!! So I asked them if they sold individual rims ( a lot of places sell them in sets of 4). Turns out they do. He gave me the quote for the rim and I almost fell over...$129! I told him Id be right in to buy it! When I got there I even got a military discount, so the rim was $108, and with tax it came to $114! I expected the rim to be $200 at least!!! I bought it at 1:00pm and they got it in at 3pm. I had to work, so my mom had to pick it up. :) She went to the NEX Autoport and got a spiffy tire for $83 with installation! YAY! That means I paid $197 FOR A BRAND NEW RIM and TIRE! WOO HOO!!! Sometimes life is good, even though I really didnt want to buy the rim, I had to. :)And those Titanium people tried to make me pay $275 JUSt to fix my old bent rim, and then id still hafta buy the tire!!!Men who work in the auto industry: we women are not stupid. Be smart and treat us like we are.
Mahalo!!

:)

More rants about the bf...

You know whats weird about Brandon being gone? Its not like he's going to the mainland or Korea or Africa for 6 weeks. He's about 10 miles off the coast of Hawaii a couple miles (I'm not sure of the depth...but underwater for sure) underwater...so close but so far away. And it seems that since the Navy keeps bumping my emails back to me that they don't want the emails going to the sub. i can handle distance...my Air Force dad has been in and out of our house on TDY and at school since I was a young child..so I learned to talk to him over the phone. I just feel like Brandon will come back and we'll be strangers, or that how I feel will change, or how he feel will change. Am I alone in this?

My court date is in 2 days TWO DAYS. Will Ronnie show up? Will it all be resolved that day? More importantly, will I be able to talk to Brandon about what happens? I know I can do this whole divorce thing alone, but it doesn't mean that I want to. I know he wants to be here for me, so I'm going to try and be the strong person I always pretend to be until he comes back. I keep writing the little "texts" to him and then stick them in a box. He'll never get them, they are simply my worries and fears and thoughts. I wish I could share them with him, but they will be inconsequential when he comes home.
I really wish I had that ring he bought me.

Seriously?

Has it only been 4 days since Brandon left? Duuude...this isn't going to be easy at all! And whats weird is normally I see Brandon once a week, so why is it so hard for me? Quite a few times a day I think of something I want to tell him, I get out my phone and then I frown and throw my phone into my purse. And the email address he gave me doesn't work... which means I have to wait for him to email me. Lemme tell you...if he doesn't email me in the 6 weeks he's gone...grrrr.
I miss how he holds me.

Buut...

Other than the tire, life is good! :) I promise I'm not a complainer!!!

Royally pissed...

After a nice day at work, albeit long...I trekked home. As I turned out of Navy housing and onto Kamehameha Hwy, I hit a pothole. Not a huge one, but enough for me to say. "Shit, where'd that come from?" (The best language comes out of me in these kinds of situations)
I stopped and took note of a kinda bent section of rim, but didn't hear air gushing out, so I continued on my route. I decided to stop at Wal*Mart and loitered around for a good hour (gee Im lame at 11pm). When I finally walked to my car, I saw someone look at my car, then get in their car. I thought, lets check out the tire. Yup, going flat. Yay!! I lingered in my car in the parking lot debating, call dad, or try and make it to a gas station for some free air. I'm one to take chances, plus I really didn't want to wake my dad at nearly midnight and have to leave my car in the ghetto Wal*Mart parking lot. ;) I drove to Shell, thinking that by some miracle they'd have free air. Nope. Luckily I had 75 cents. Still hopeful that there was nothing wrong with my tire, I started to pump the air. Cue gushing air sound. Literally, I could hear the air coming out of my tire. Double yippee! And there goes $100+ of my wedding jewels money. Thank GOD I have money, cause lemme tell you, if I hadn't sold those rings I'd have to wait until next Thurs to fix the tire. As it stands, I'm sooo not thrilled. Luckily the tire held enough air for me to drive the 4 miles to my house.
So tomorrow I get to go get an outfit for a 2 yr old's birthday party, drop off my tire to get *hopefully* fixed, and then go to said 2yr old's party. :)
Im tired.

Thinking...

I get in trouble when I think.
Case in point...I sold my wedding rings today. Ahh, the end of an era. Before I sold them, I put them on my finger, and I went back. Back to when I was miserable in frigid Chicago. But also when I was around my friends, my wonderful job, and the ex's family...I loved that family. I felt nostalgic wearing those rings, not to mention I LOVED having a sparkly sparkly on my finger. Uh oh. Yeah, I felt a little sadness in getting rid of those rings. But really, Id NEVER wear them because of their memories, and it really is high time i got rid of them. I got asking price, and the couple who bought them was VERY pleased. :) Now I just wait for Brandon to pick out a ring to replace the one her ordered for me but never got in the mail. Ahh, online businesses going out of business. Life!

I missed Brandon today, but then i didn't. Life goes on, yeah? He's my darling and I want him to be here, but Im finally understanding what its like to be a military girlfriend...your man also has another person in his life, his job! Sad, but true and unavoidable.
My iPod went dead, so I put in a CD when I was driving home from a friend's house and listening to Carrie Underwood's "Lessons Learned" really made me proud of where I am.

Been some bad times I've been through,
Damage I cannot undo,
Some things,
I wish I could do all all over again,
But it don't really matter,
Life gets that much harder,
It makes you that much stronger,
Oh, some pages turned,
Some bridges burned,
But there were,
Lessons learned.

[Chorus:]
And every tear that had to fall from my eyes,
Everyday I wondered how I'd get through the night,
Every change, life has thrown me,
I'm thankful, for every break in my heart,
I'm grateful, for every scar,
Some pages turned,
Some bridges burned,
But there were lessons learned.

I also remember sitting in my car driving home from somewhere when I decided to leave Ronnie....and I know exactly what song was playing the moment I knew I HAD to move one, Carrie Underwood's "Starts with Goodbye."

I was sitting on my doorstep,
I hung up the phone and it fell out of my hand,
But I knew I had to do it,
And he wouldn't understand,
So hard to see myself without him,
I felt a piece of my heart break,
But when you're standing at a crossroad,
There's a choice you gotta make.

[Chorus:]
I guess it's gonna have to hurt,
I guess I'm gonna have to cry,
And let go of some things I've loved,
To get to the other side,
I guess it's gonna break me down,
Like falling when you try to fly,
It's sad, but sometimes moving on with the rest of your life,
Starts with goodbye.

Sometimes I have Cd's I just cant listen to because if it was music I really loved at one time in my life, I listened to that CD constantly, and thus that music is glued to that point in time and those feelings.
I almost cried today because I just wanted to share things with Brandon and i was so mad that I couldn't. I have this box on my bookshelf that has our picture on it. every time I want to talk to him (we usually text...) I write a little note and put it in there. It helps just enough to ease the pain a little bit. The only problem is that the poor man will be soo out of the loop by the time he gets back. But, Im a chatterbox and hes an awesome listener and he actually enjoys hearing what I have to say! Did I fond a catch or what?
Another awesome thing is that I can text my sister in Korea. The downside is its 20 cents a pop. (hey, when did they take the cent symbol off the keyboard???) But anyway, it gives us a chance to chat and keep in contact. I think we're gonna get a little bit closer, and I like that.

Okay people, I'm gonna try and get some sleep...thanks for reading!!

For Brandon...even though he doesn't know this blog exists...

Handwriting...

Handwriting...

I just submitted my handwriting to kevinandamanda.com for it to be made into font! Exciting! :)

Well, at least the day started out well...

I worked a glorious 6 hours today, as well as worked out for an hour and a half. I feel so good, and I just know the pounds are melting off.

Then I talk to Brandon (the bf). I use the word talk lightly, because in retrospect, we exchanged a total of 4 texts. He texts me at 9:15 to let me know he's still at work and also that he has duty tomorrow. {For those of you not familiar with the Navy, which was me 4 months ago, duty is a 24 hr shift that starts at approx. 7am and ends at [you guessed it] approx 7am the next day.} That being said, Brandon leaves for 6 weeks Friday morning.

:( Thus my sadness. I saw him on Friday night with the assumption that i would have one more time with him. I didn't even get to say goodbye to him, and we parted on an interesting note.

I just, well, want to hold him one more time. I want to memorize his smell and the look he gives me when we're together. I want to hear him say that being with me is "worth it" and that he'll miss me.
I just want him.
Im not going to rant about the Navy because they pay both my and his bills, but dating a Navy guy is hard.
I love him. I wish I could have the gumption to tell him that.
Im so scared for my heart.

I cried for the first time since I left Ronnie in Feb of last year.
A friend and I were talking about how the divorce affects how we think. I think it affects how Brandon sees me. I don't know if he can love me knowing I'm married to another man. (as unmeaningful as that union is at this point)
But my friend had a really good point. She said:
"like he doesnt see it as a married woman, he just sees it as the woman im in love with"
Im so involved with the divorce and figuring out how to erase Ronnie from my life that I forget about this wonderful man who doesn't care about my past, doesn't care about my mistakes or my faults, but who loves me for who I am, beautifully broken and all! Thanks JH! :)

I need to take my sleeping pills and get some sleep...where's my Lunesta so all these crazy thoughts can stop?

:) Love,
Natalie