Well, at least the day started out well...

I worked a glorious 6 hours today, as well as worked out for an hour and a half. I feel so good, and I just know the pounds are melting off.

Then I talk to Brandon (the bf). I use the word talk lightly, because in retrospect, we exchanged a total of 4 texts. He texts me at 9:15 to let me know he's still at work and also that he has duty tomorrow. {For those of you not familiar with the Navy, which was me 4 months ago, duty is a 24 hr shift that starts at approx. 7am and ends at [you guessed it] approx 7am the next day.} That being said, Brandon leaves for 6 weeks Friday morning.

:( Thus my sadness. I saw him on Friday night with the assumption that i would have one more time with him. I didn't even get to say goodbye to him, and we parted on an interesting note.

I just, well, want to hold him one more time. I want to memorize his smell and the look he gives me when we're together. I want to hear him say that being with me is "worth it" and that he'll miss me.
I just want him.
Im not going to rant about the Navy because they pay both my and his bills, but dating a Navy guy is hard.
I love him. I wish I could have the gumption to tell him that.
Im so scared for my heart.

I cried for the first time since I left Ronnie in Feb of last year.
A friend and I were talking about how the divorce affects how we think. I think it affects how Brandon sees me. I don't know if he can love me knowing I'm married to another man. (as unmeaningful as that union is at this point)
But my friend had a really good point. She said:
"like he doesnt see it as a married woman, he just sees it as the woman im in love with"
Im so involved with the divorce and figuring out how to erase Ronnie from my life that I forget about this wonderful man who doesn't care about my past, doesn't care about my mistakes or my faults, but who loves me for who I am, beautifully broken and all! Thanks JH! :)

I need to take my sleeping pills and get some sleep...where's my Lunesta so all these crazy thoughts can stop?

:) Love,
Natalie