Merry Christmas

I miss my family. Dinner just didn't feel like Christmas because it was all boxed food. And no pie whatsoever!
But, I was fed and hardly had to do any labor.

Merry Christmas, Feliz Navidad and Mele Kalikimaka friends.

A new life in Midland

So today is day two of work.
nd I think Im doing pretty good.
Last night I ended staying up til, oh, about 2:45am drinking and talking with my new boss. She's pretty cool.
super tired since I ended up getting less than 4 hours of sleep. And those of you who know me, know very well that I need exactly 8 hours of sleep in order to function. Thank goodness for Red Bull and Starbucks. Love it!

Tomorrow I have my first date here in Midland. I've been talking to this guy for about a month (while I was still in Hawaii). Now, I'm not hoping too much for this one, since I seem to be a magnet for men who treat me like crap. Ahh, such is life.

But those of you who know me know I love cowboys. Yum! And hello, I am in the middle of God's country...plenty of cowboys all around! Yeehaw.
Ok, back to work!

Whoah...

I leave for Texas tomorrow! Yikes!
I am so excited...but nervous.

I get to have lunch with my Karen today, coffee with Heather, and then a rocking going away party at Nashville Waikiki. If you're in the area, you better be there!!!

Saweeet!

The Texas Longhorns won! They got a field goal with one second on the play clock...YAY!
Sorry Nebraska...for a minute there you thought you won. But thats just how Texas plays football.

Im having major anxiety and stress about this move. Yikes.
Im nauseous and can't eat....ive literally been eating bread today save for some Menchies (frozen yogurt) and some rice.
One week and Im in Gods Country!!!

I love...

My Karen and that sweet nugget in her belly...even though he was mooning us yesterday....

My Heather who always makes me smile and who knows me so well...

:)

Sweet!

I passed my test with an 81%! That means, ladies and gentlemen, that I just tested out of my Health and Fitness class! Super yay!
And I have been freaking out so much about this move and school and the bf and long distance relationships and money that I got my period yesterday. A whopping 10 days early...roughly.
Slow down sister!
Whew...breathe......

Im moving in 17 days. Yikes.

I know I have more to say...but it aint coming out right now.
Toodles!

Test!

I have my first test in a LONG time this morning....yikes!
Its should go well...its just Heath and Fitness! The cut score is a 66%...so I know I will pass this class! (I'm testing out of this class!)

Yikes

I am super stressing about this move. There is just so much to do. On top of school and work, I have to clean out my room and decide what Im keeping and is making the trek to TX, and what is going to a friend/yardsale/goodwill. And then I have to get in all the Heather and Karen time I can before I leave! Oh, and now that I have a bf (I know...ya'll can't keep up with me....heck I can barely keep up as well) I'm seeing him and trying to see if we really wanna do this whole long distance thing in a month. We'll see. He's a sweetie though!!!

Every month I feel cramped in my room and clean it out. I haven't done so in 2 months...and the thought of having to completely clear it out is, well, completely overwhelming. But, I managed to go through pretty much everything and toss things I know I don't really need. I now have a closet full of things I know Im not taking...and then a room full of things Ill need until I leave. Arghh its just so crazy that Im leaving in a month. How in the world did I pack up my whole house in Chicago in less than a week? I guess is was my mom pushing me to get it all done!

Ok Im all fancied up and waiting for a phone call from my man. We are going to see a movie...yay!

Dec. 12th

Thats my move date....

yay!

So many things I love...

Texas BBQ
Good Tex Mex
All my amazing Texas friends
Southern Churches
Cowboys

Ladies and gentlemen, I am coming home! I got a job in Midland, TX and will be headed out there (yikes!) before Christmas. Its bittersweet leaving Hawaii and all my friends and all the hot military men (you knew I was going to say it), but Texas has been calling my name, and now my dream is coming true! Yes, its not in San Antonio, but being in the state is good enough for me!
I will miss Heather and Karen sooo sooo much. They are already making me feel bad for leaving. :( They are definitely my best friends here...I see each one once a week! Ahh our friendship will have to be over a sea now!


New fave song-
Havent Met You Yet- Michael Buble
:)

Dream On...

I had a dream last night that I went and sought out Max and sat him down to talk to him, hear his side of things.
But then I talked so much that I didnt let him tell me his side.And then I woke up. Talk about unresolved problems coming into my dreams.
Anyway, I decided that Id tell Max I just want us to go back to being friends. We'll see what he says. Its Monday, I havent heard from him since Thurs morning. And since Im not his GF...I guess he has no obligation to contact me.
Men!
I dont stand for shit like that. Yes, he has crap going on in his life...but if I meant anything to him I'd have heard from him.
Natalie is completely single again. Bring on the men!

Rollercoaster

I'm seriously thinking about stopping dating. Like now.
Not that I don't like it, because I love it.
But I feel like these men are just coming and going so quickly in my life. As soon as I feel like I might have one...poof he's gone. And I am an incurable romantic and optimist...so I get super excited when I'm with a guy who might actually be someone. And then he isn't.
PS I don't think things are working out with Max.

But y'all know me well enough to know that I won't stop dating.
I'm too man crazy.

Is that horrible?

I hate...

When a guy gets to me where I start to miss him.
Damn. Damn. Damn. I so didnt expect this.

Are you kidding me?

I am really irked at my ex Stephen. He now has decided, since I am happy with someone else, that he wants me and that I never gave him a chance.

Buddy, you didn't want to be in a serious relationship with me. You changed your mind about wanting marriage. And more importantly, you still don't know what you'd do with me if I said, "Lets be together."
You wanted me, you got me.
Then you decided you didnt want it, so I broke it off.
Now someone else has me, and now you want me.
Tough luck bud. Aint gonna happen.

I cant do it! I cannot be with someone who may or may not want to be with me in the future. Things with max may not work out, but its hella fun being with him and I don't have to worry, I just enjoy when we are together. It is so refreshing to be with someone who wants to be around you, who craves your prescence and your kisses.

:) So for now, Im happy. But, I cant keep a man, so who knows the future!

PS

Booooo to all the men who come and go so quickly in my life.

:)

I have 2 hours til Max picks me up, and boy am I just wasting time here on the web.
The other night max and I were laying in the back of his pickup truck star gazing, and we saw a shooting star! I have actually never seen one before, and this one looked like a firework, it was so bright!
I went to Bishop Museum today and spent nearly 4 hours there! Wow time flies!
MMM what else to say? Oh yeah, my work family is moving to California next spring and leaving me here. :( boo hoo.

:) At least I get to dance tonight!

Self-Centered

I had the kids I nanny for a whole weekend while the parents were in vegas.
And I have found out that I am much too self-centered to have kids yet. When the baby woke up at 2am I would be like, "Ohh...its too early...". I did go and get her...but I reeeeally wanted to sleep. Yeah, I like my life just the way it is. Ill wait till I have that awesome hubby sleepin next to me that i could nudge and say, "The baby is awake..."

;)

I dream of an Organic Life

I have been reading a friend's blog and replied to one of her comments, and figured that I should post the info of what i wrote here!
I strive to live a green life and eat a lot of organic food, Its just better for you and keeps my body so healthy! Ive only been sick twice this year, and one of those times I only knew I was sick because I randomly took my temp!

I love me some Whole Foods...but it can get expensive. Its nice to go there to see what organic products are reliable, and then see if I can find them in other stores! :)

Oh, and for food, its best to always get the "dirty dozen" organic.
The dirty dozen are the most highly contaminated foods with pesticides and chemicals — even after washing and peeling.

The Dirty Dozen:
Peaches
Apples
Celery
Nectarines
Strawberries
Kale
Leafy Greens
Grapes
Carrots
Pears
Tomatoes
Potatoes

And of course, always get organic meat, milk and coffee.

Here are some things you don't have to buy organic:
Onion
Avocado
Pineapple
Mango
Corn
Asparagus
Sweet Peas
Kiwi
Cabbage
Eggplant
Papaya
Watermelon
Broccoli
Sweet Potatoes
[Source: thedailygreen.com]

So kids, here's the bottom line. If you can afford to, do it. If you cant afford to, do it a little bit at a time. The earlier, the better. Oh, and do it for your kids too. you'll find your kids to be healthier and you'll relax knowing that you aren't feeding them and yourself chemicals and carcinogens!

Dancing under the Neon Moon

So Stephen and I went to the lessons. And man, its so much harder than I thought! But, I did teach him to two-step and he picked up on it so quickly. We two-stepped around the floor and were able to dance in sync. It was so awesome. I have wanted (for a long time now) to have a guy I date dance with me. It so romantic and something I really love!

:) Sweeet!!!

Dancing

Stephen and I are going to the Pearl Club tonight for some line dancing lessons. I am so thrilled that he wants to learn to line dance with me! :)

Work and Jinx

:) Again its been too long since ive blogged!
Its so good to be home. I am happy to be working normal hours once again, and to be back at my normal workplace. Not that I didnt love Colorado...but I love continuity.
Its been great seeing my friends. I learned the other day that another one of my friends is pregnant. Yay!
I started dating again, and I went on 2 dates before I found someone I truly could see myself dating. His name is Stephen and hes pretty cool. Hes a submariner and is pretty darn sweet. :) Im not gonna say anymore cause I just dont wanna jinx it!

That word looks funny...jinx. Anyways, Stephen and I have seen each other 3 times now. :) And he lives 15 mins away from me, which is nice. Hes a sweet kisser and gives foot massages...and tells me im beautiful...what more could a woman want right?
We'll see!!!

I have the day off today and it was my goal to celan my room, car and go to the pool. I havn done anything yet and its 2:20pm! Yikes..but it IS my day off so I should be relaxing yeah?

:)

PS peopleofwalmart.com is the best website ever. Seriously.

Prop planes and still boy crazy

Ok people! Im all ready to blog!!

Im sititng on the smallest plane ever. Ok, not really because I'v flown in a 2-seater before (thanks A for loaning me B). But seriously, I am all the wat at the back of the plane and I can see the front of the plane. and when the door was open I could see the pilots in the cockpit. :) Their names are Chad and Max. Familiar names...I likee.
The takeoff was rough...to say the least. I probably looked like I was going to piss my pants or throw up. I felt like doing one of those..I'll let you decide for yourself which one. ;)
My business trip to Colorado has been nice. I am enjoying the colder weather and the scenery. The altitude not too much, but I actually became aclimated to it yesterday. Of course I'd get used to it the day before I leave! I have been working six 9-10 hour days a week, which is different from my four 10-hr days Im used to working when I'm at home in Hawaii. But at least I got paid extra, get a free trip, and got to stay in a beautiful 3br house all by myself. Buut...

I am ready for my own vacation. My child-responsibility-work free vacation. No worrying about taking care of anyone but myself. Oh, and plenty of oxygen to breathe! I'll probably be seen walking all over town. I truly love the little town of Parma. If I can convince my future hubby (whoever he may be...if I decide to get married again), I'd like to live in that area. Its just too homey to me. I'll just have to deal with the winter in my own way. LOL

Seriously, this flight is a mere 2 hours and yet these 2 hours are going by SOOOO slowly. I mean seriously, the flight from Hawaii to Cali is 5 hours...why does this flight seem so long? I guess its because I havn't flown by myself in a long time. I really love to fly by myself. Im not sure why. But the last time I flew by myself was when I flew from Florida to Hawaii for Christmas in 2006. Wow. Its really been that long. Craziness. Whats crazier is that this past Aug. would have been my and the blob's 2 yr anniversary. It really seems longer than that, almost a lifetime ago or a life lived by someone else.

I've continued my search for Mr. Right. Im convinced that he will come around eventually. There are just some times where I miss being 1/2 of a couple, the simplicity of holding hands, sweet kisses, the feeling of being adored, the joy at getting a call of text from someone you really care for, and knowing someone out there has chosen to be with you.

:) This blog is very random. Hehehe very much like me and my life.

So to re-cap: Im on a plane and scared I may not make it to Idaho alive, I'm enjoying my vacation away from Hawaii, though I can't wait to get back and party it up with my friends who I miss dearly, and my search for Mr. Right continues with no specific man in my life right now...

Fast forward to Sept. 11th 2009.
Hey there, made it safely to Idaho although I ended up having a panic attack. Yes, the turbulence was that bad. Plus I realized I'd have to take the same flight back.
I had a great time in Idaho with lots of relaxing and seeing family. I really missed being there. Its kinda like home to me, dare I say more than Texas? ( I will ALWAYS be a Longhorn tho!)
I made it back to Colorado safely although it was on that God-forsaken prop plane.

Im back in Colorado and I have my own little apartment in the building. And boy do I like it! It so makes me want to have my own place.
Oh, and I am so ready to go back to Hawaii. Its been a month...its time. Im ready to start dating again. I miss men. LOL Its been what, 6 weeks from my last date? Too long!
PS I have a date with Morgan the friday after I come home!

:)

This is a reminder more to myself than ya'll, but I will update my blog on Tues when I am flying to Idaho.

:)

Breckenridge

:) It is so beautiful and relaxing here! :)

My day off..ahhh

I am enjoying my day off. And kind of gigglin because its only 7am in hawaii and there is noooo way id be up and awake at that hour there on a saturday!

I am planning on taking my day very slow here today. I am currently sitting on the front porch enjoying the weather. It just poured rain down for about 3 minutes. It stopped...but I hear thunder. :) Ooops...that was a trolley...lol. I might get out and see the town a bit...but a vacation is meant for relaxing..and staying in this Bed and breakfast is very very relaxing. I feel like I am staying at a family members house, and not a hotel, which i guess is the upside to a B & B. :)

Happy happy joy joy!!!

Diary of the sleep deprived traveler

I dont know what I was thinking having the Coastie spend the night last night. Did I seriouslty think that any lingering feeling we both had wouldnt manifest themselves? I am so irritated at Cody for how he acted last night. He was on my computer all up in my personal stuff, trying to read my diary (again...), and kept being nosy about who i was talking to online and what we were talking about.
I was talking to this really nice guy Max, and I had to keep closing my laptop because Senor Nosypants kept trying to read my crap! Does he not realize that friends dont do that junk? Does he not realize friends dont force hugs or massages...and they certainly do not kiss their so called friend. He was the one who wanted this friendship. Yet he cant even do what he supposedly wants!
I made it clear to him last night that it was fine that he didnt want to date me. Complicated and not quite comprehensible...buut fine. But i made it clear that that was it...there will never be an us again. I will date...and it will not be him. Period.
I thought he was different. Crazy military men!!

One of my friends is pregnant. I just found out this morning and I am not really sure what to say about it or to her.
I was to be so supportive of her because I know no one else will. She dated this guy for just a bit, and certainly didnt plan this. She gave up on dating him because of is immaturity. :(
All I know is I need to be there for her, as a friend should. :) So sweets, if youre reading this, I know I didnt say anything to you this morning...it really wasnt the best time for me to be able to talk to you...since i was trying to watch Austin and my luggage.
But know I am here for you. What happened has happened, lets not rehash the past.
I am here for you. Love!

In related news...Im going to be an Auntie!! (hawaiian slang for the baby's mother's friend)

I am on my flight right now. I am trying to watch Ghosts of Girlfriends Past. The only problem is the screen is far away (i am in the last row on the plane) and its kind of a crappy quality tv. But hey, something is always better than nothing....remember that!! Except when it comes to relationships....then I say go for the gold!

Ok, Im tired of this. For now. Ciao baby!!

Ok...its an hour later and I am still bored. But I learned something from the movie...I need to move on from the guys that are fixer-uppers. I need a strong, mature, moral and independent man who wants to be with me and will move heaven and earth to be with me.

It is now 8:25 pm in Hawaii...which means its 12:25 am here in Ft. Collins, CO. I need to get to bed because I have breakfast to attend at 7:30 am!! I love this Bed and Breakfast so far!!!

Sobering up and alll maaad.....

How do i attract the guys who like to fuck me over. he seriously tried to kiss me. After he pulled down his pants to prove some point that I didnt get. I think its because he knows I still like him and its amusing to him to tease me. Fuck you Cody. I still dont know why you want to be my friend. Just end it...dont linger in this friendship because you think its what I want.

Oh yeah, and he kissed me. On the lips. Thank God I was sober enough to give him nothing back. Nothing. I dont want some stupid guy who isnt mature enough to know what he wants. I want, no, i deserve to be completely wanted and swept off my feet. After being with an abusive and philandering and criminal husband, i deserve the best. You dont want to give that to me, fine.
I told him my rule about guys from my past. As in, he's done. he doesnt want me know, he cant have me back. You either know you want me or you dont. I am a complicated person...i may not know everything in my future but I know that he's cause me this much pain and hurt after just 1 week of dating, what is we date for 2 months and then we break up? How hurt will I be then?
Lets face it...he's waaaay too immature for me. This is all waaay too high school for me. Way too much. I need a man. A real man. Not some 23 yr old guy who treats me like a toy. No thanks.

Seriously...is my life gonna be one after another guy who is shit? Where are the real nice normal guys?
Arghhh. Thank you Jesus for this trip. Thank you for a wonderful house I get to retreat to...and not have to talk to asshattty men if I dont want to. GRRRRR

He's heeeere...

He's here. Mister I wannt be friends, aka the Coastie is here. I thought i was over it. Damn...dead wrong. Arggh I was nervous he was coming over and started drinking from a jug of wine. Needless to say...he is NOT acting like a friend would and its piossing me off. Just pissing me off! Arghhh!

I should not have had 3 glasses of wine. And he should NOT have poured me the 4th.No, I didnt drink it. Arghh.

Update Numero Uno

Im sitting here in bed thinking Ive done enough procrastinating to last a lifetime. LOL enough is enough. So here is an update.
That great guy i met last week that swept me off of my feet and was perfect? Well, he just wants to be friends. :) Yup.
So I said enough is enough. I am tired of meeting guys at bars and clubs. Im tired of the same old same old drunkiness or lameness. Not that "want to be friends" guy is either, because he is amazing. But anyway. So saturday night I joined up on Match.com. So far, so good. I am talking with about 6 guys right now. And yes, it is confusing. :) But fun too. I feel like I am getting back in the game, and these guys on the dating website are different than bar guys...especially the guys I meet at the bar right across from the Army base. Those guys are winners... (not saying all Army guys arent...just the ones i meet). But anyway, I am def over the other guy. We are just friends...which is fine with me. I still get to joke around about him being a puddle pirate. Might even have to joke around about his love for OU...LOL

I got a lot done today, mostly clearing out my Tivo (by watching my shows...lol). I did get some pre-trip shopping done including getting bathroom stuff and some long sleeved clothing. Colder weather here I come...dont make me hate you again!

To those who thought it couldnt be done, I did get some packing done today. I am only bringing one bag (which is amazing considering im going to be gone for a month) and so I have been packing carefully. I have packed all my clothes and now just need to pack all of my bathroom stuff...and makeup. Ill do that tomorrow night. Oh did I mention that "just be friends" guy is taking me to the airport? Shouldnt be too too awkward!

I have so enjoyed having a house to myself, besides having to take out the trash by myself. Oh, and I get a tad bit scared being alone at night. Needless to say the kitchen light stays on all night for my benefit. I do love having the 3 doggies all cuddled up with me in my bed. Its cozy.

Ok, i think my sleeping pill is kicking in so I best brush my teeth and head to bed!
I hope this post has satisfied your curiousity my loves.
Let me know what I need to add/what you want to know and you can bet itll be here soon!!!

Natalie

I have decided...

(Amanda) Ill make an effort to update my blog while Im away. In fact, I may even do it while i am on the airplane. Well, you know not on the plane...ill write it and send it when im on my layover in cali. Ughh just the thought of a layover with 2 kids makes me cringe. Just cringe!!!

Wow

I had an amazing date with Cody. He is sweet and funny and he makes me heart smile.

:) He better not break it....I have friends that'll kick his butt.

:)

:)

I am seriously grinning from ear to ear because a guy just told me he liked me.
Oh, and he calls me Baby Girl. :)

Single sweetie

:) I told him i didnt think we should date. And still havnt heard from him. Can someone say...Brandon???
Geez, where do I find these ones?

Cali tomorrow...I am soooo excited!!!!

This update is sooo long overdue!

Hmm what to say, what to say?

I have finally found something thats working for me in the weight loss department- Medifast. My mom had 1 month left of it, so I am doing it. Its basically a liquid diet, and then a lean and green dinner consisting of 6oz (+-) of lean protein and some veg. I am down about 6 lbs from when I weighed myself last week...and thats awesome to me! Unfortunately, I only have 1 month of it.

I went to the dentist (for the first time in 2.5 years) and I have 4 cavities. Woo to the freaking hooo....NOT. Its gonna cost me $733. Yay. :(

Which means I may not be going to Italy...we'll see. He says not to cancel my plans...but no money means...no money!

I hardly ever hear from Italy these days, which really annoys me to be honest. He promised me Id be treated like a queen...so where's my throne?? Just kidding...I just want to talk to him every now and then. Thats all.

My mom is back from her Utah retreat, and she is about 35 lbs skinnier than she was when she left! Woo hoo Mommy! My sister is here for the summer, and believe it or not we are actually getting along! Yes, miracles do happen. My brother's 'friend" Rubi is here too, and she is a sweetie. She is here for 6 weeks....so Our little 1,081 sq. foot house is PACKED!

Which leads me to my next topic...in 9 days I leave for California! THAT I am so excited for...I haven't been on the mainland in about a year and a half! :) Here comes a fun road trip! We are going to be going to LA and then driving north to Los Gatos, and maybe to San Francisco and Santa Barbara.

I can't believe tomorrow is the start of July, already!!! It doesn't seem like that long ago that I was sitting on a boat on the intra coastal in Palm Beach, FL, sipping on a Corona and watching the fireworks. Wow, that was 4 years ago! Time DOES fly!

This 4th of July is my little brother's graduation party. :) Its gonna be fun! And then on the 9th is my dad's bosses Change of Command ceremony aboard the USS Missouri (aka Mighty Mo). THAT is going to be awesome...I love all the pomp and circumstance. :) My tax dollars at work, woo hoo! :)

I have been hanging out downtown at this place called Nashville's...and its been a lot of fun. I have improved my two-steppin ability...and have tried to teach some drunk soldiers (and one lawyer-to-be) how to two-step. I'm not that great of a teacher! LOL

Ok, I just did a kick butt workout with my Wii, and now Im all sweaty, so its time to shower!

Peace and Love!

Life

:) I am just loving life. Life is good.

:) Thats all.

News

:) Ok, so I did it. I broke up with him.
I found out on Sat that for the last 2 weeks, he's been in town. And still hasnt called me. Grrr.
So I had enough today. I called him, and of course he didnt answer. Ass. So I left a message xplaining how I felt (the short version) and said it was over.

End of story.

So now Italy and I are free to carry on a torrid affair.
LOL
Just kidding.

Yay!

I am
going to the Big Island in 8 days.
going to Colorado in about 3 months.
going to Italy in 5 months!

I need to keep exercising, dieting and saving money!

:) Woo hoo!

On Monday Ill post how much weight Ive lost so far...hopefully it'll be a happy post!

What Ive been thinking about...

Ok, so I thought Id write down what I want in a guy/relationship.
Ive been thinking about what i want lately, and thought id share it with you.
:) Just so you know.

I want him to be kind, patient, and just a bit naughty. I want to snuggle with him one night and just stay in, and the next night go for drinks and see a midnight movie. I want to be spontaneous with him. I want him o want to go out and do fun things. I want him to want to be with me, and to make time in his schedule for me. I want to communicate easily the things we like and don't like. I want to be so mad and fight, but then realize that our happiness means more than a fight. I want to lay on the grass and just stare at the stars with him. I want him to have goals and be working towards them. I want to be the sun in his universe. I want him to inspire me to do better, to be better. I want him to do all those little things girls love, but I also want to feel like I am loved and cherished all the time. I want to go drinking with him, but I also want him to be the man who will get our little daughter ready for sunday school. I want to lose my inhibitions...just live and be free with him. I want to be immensely loved and never betrayed. I want to feel that if I ever lost him my world would never be the same. I want him to look at me and I melt. I want him to be the strong guy that takes out the garbage and deals with my stresses (like the car thing) when he can tell I am just too frustrated. Someone who loves kids and wants kids is very important to me. Also someone who sees where his career is going to be in 5 years and can make that dream happen. I never want to feel like I am not worth his attention or love. I want to be treasured. :)

:)

No less.
Oh, and he's gotta like me plumpy.

Blah

So...I still havnt gotten ahold of the BF. Its been 3 weeks since I last saw him. I even have to wait to break up with him! ahhh, the Navy.

So happy!

My little brother posted this in his blog...for those of you who know what he's going through...this is a biiig deal!
:)

"Sunday, April 19, 2009

Transformed Current mood:Victorious in His love To those to who I am: a brother, a son, a friend, a nephew, a cousin, a leader, a shoulder to cry on, a loved one, or someone that i barely knew: I am sorry for my failure and my lack of self respect. But i understand now that you rely on me, depend on me, and that I am to rise up an LEAD. No longer will i let my lack of self-motivation and my ineptitude cause me to fail you. Because i have risen from my self defeat, my self wallowing, and am ready once again to do what i must to make sure that i do not fail you again."

Poor Suzy

They called about my car yesterday, said it was ready. Im not exactly ready to hand over $1000, nor do I think I ever will.. Oh well! :)

But then they called again, and told me that when they were moving Suzy they had a problem with her, she was sticking in park. He asked me if I had had that problem prior to the accident. I told him of my brand new transmission...ie no I havn't had any problems since I got a new transmission 1 year and a half ago. :)
So yeah, they're still working on my car. LOL
And Im not mad about it at all. Shit happens, I'm just glad I have a car to borrow!

A question...

Knowing I am going to break up with him, is is wrong that I change my relationship status on FB before I do aforementioned activity?

And dont worry about me, I will be miserable for awhile, cause I love him, but he's not The One and doesnt treat me like he should.

Ok, so I thought this was gonna be a short little post, but I feel like explaining.
I may have lied to ya'll. I may have told you Brandon is great to me. The truth is, he's just blah. He's just there. I mean, we have great dates and I enjoy being with him when i see him. But thats only 25% of the relationship. What about when we're apart? Shouldn't we communicate then too?
We went into our relationship saying we just wanted to be together, nothing serious, just us being together. Exclusive, but nothing serious. But I've changed. I fell for him, I love him. And he doesn't love me. he hardly cares for me like a man who is dating the same girl for almost 8 months should. We've never had that fire that should be there. he's never done anything super romantic for me or made me feel special. Ive never felt like he was dieing to see me or that I meant a lot to him. Most importantly, Ive never gotten anything out of him (such as, you look nice tonight, or, I'm having a good time tonight).
I know, I know! Ive put up with crap from him. We had a big discussion about his lack of (we'll call it) communication. He said he'd try. And then we just went on as we had. Him not trying, and me trying to show him how much I care, like gf's do. The biggest disappointment was when i found this shirt at Old Navy. It was white with this anchor on it. Brandon being in the Navy, i thought, how perfect! I bought it and on the bottom of the anchor wrote "I ♥ submariners". I wore it one night and he never said anything, and after I brought up the shirt 3 times, he finally told me it was kinda loud. Kinda loud? here is this sweet gesture, and he says that. Did he even think about my effort or feelings when he said that? I was so upset and felt like an idiot. Its like if I said ILU and him saying something shitty...same thing. Me going the extra mile and him doing nothing because he know I wont leave. I finally gave up and said I didn't want to fight. I really didn't...I finally decided that that battle wasn't something i wanted to pick. I didn't realize then that how he acted was how he felt about our relationship...I could be anyone...he could be with anyone...he's only with me because its comfortable for this moment. And hell, its easy to be with me...I do all the work!!!
I deserve to feel special. I want a man who share my passion and faith, and someone who can tell me how I look to him and how I make him feel and someone who can plan a little bit farther than the week. I really thought Brandon could be that person. I lied to myself thinking he could change once he got to know me more, once he found out who I am and who I could be for him. But he just doesn't care enough to see me for who I am.
I am sweet. I am kind. Im a good cook and will make a great mother. I maybe cry too much and get mad over stupid things, but I've learned to try and get over them without involving the guy if it really isnt their fault. I am crafty. i am goofy and I love the beach. I love country music and cuddling on the couch. Sometimes Im sad or upset or emotional and all I need is a sweet look that says "I'm here for you" and a long hug. I want a guy to really see me for who I am and love that. I will stand up for what I believe in...I am a strong person. Bt if I say I wont fight with you, leave me alone. I love life and I love all those around me. I give love freely, and accept love just as much. I am tenacious and a planner, yet I am struggling to plan my life right now.
All that is just a fragment of who I am right now. I am complex and confusing and ever changing. Is there a man who can love that, all of that?
I know Brandon cant, and that breaks my heart, because I know he just doesn't care.

HMMMM

Im not sure why I am up at 1am. But I kinda like the quiet of the night. It relaxes me. I just wish there were more people to talk to now! hehehe

My brother came home from church tonight at 12:30ish and came to say hi to me, asked how my day was. For those of you who know what he's going through, this is a huge improvement. He seemed relaxed (not his usual jumpy/wired self) and interested in talking to me, his sis. I have always cherished our relationship, and I am so glad we're getting closer. I was not glad to hear that one of his friends is coming to stay in our house this summer for a month. A girl. Who will take up my bathroom space. Not cool. Oh well.

Ive been at my new job for 7 weeks now and I just love it. It is so refreshing to have a job that you love, pays you well and you get to travel. I am super excited about the Big Island trip...its only 3 weeks away!

I got into a car crash at the end of March. :( Poor Suzy wasn't totaled, although I sincerely wished she was. Oh well. She is still in the shop waiting for parts to be delivered. I was very fortunate the have my employers loan me a car. I was hoping Brandon would loan me his truck (now that he has 2 vehicles) but the Navy changed their minds and had him go to sea 2 days early. Boo. Oh well. Remind me how much I hate being a military gf if I ever want to date a military guy again, k? (I mean, I love Brandon and all, just hate that the Navy takes him from me)

I cleaned my room this weekend. :) Yup, thats a great accomplishment. And I washed my laundry and put it all away! Heck, I even folded my undies. :) But thats cause I bought like 20 new pairs and threw out all my old ones, even the ones I really loved. (Who can go wrong with cute collegiate-looking chunky blue and green stripes? But they're old...)

Im going to hang out with heather tomorrow. :) We are planning on going to the North Shore, pending weather of course. I am excited to just walk around all the cutsie little shops and try not to spend any money. Well, maybe buy a little gift for my sister's birthday. Even though its in August. Hey, when you find something cute thats perfect...you get it! :)

Im excited to hang out with Heather and her cutie Sarah. That child is hilarious. We were in Starbucks and Sarah saw that an old man had fallen asleep. She (very) loudly pointed him out and when I shushed her, she said, 'What? Old people sleep all the time!" LOL I told Heather that I would pay to see Sarah on a city bus. "Mom, why does that man have no teeth? Mom, why are those men holding hands. Mom, why does that lady smell? Ewww, what is that she is eating?"
LOL :)

Oh my goodness

My family (mom's side) is fighting over something really silly and little.

When will the madness end?!?!

Im going on my hike to the post office now. :)

Fight

Brandon and I had our very first fight tonight. Not yelling or anything. But nonetheless, after dating for 6 months, we finally fought.
I hated it. It felt so wrong and so hurtful and I just wanted it to be over but I couldn't even talk to him.
We were silent in the car all they way home from Pearl Harbor to my house. He tried to touch my leg, maybe a silent apology, but I just felt so hurt and so stupid.
We talked a little bit, but it didn't make it any better. By then I was on the verge of tears. Men can just be so inconsiderate.
Half an hour after the whole thing started I just ended it. The fight that is. I just told him "I dont want to fight with you. Lets just have this be over, ok?" (Ok, so there were some other words in there, but what we fought over makes me feel stupid, so I just dont wanna talk about it)
Anyway, I told him that I do things for him because i care about him (i wanted so badly to tell him how much i love him.), and when those things are rejected, I feel like Im not doing a good job as a gf.
He quickly and sweetly told me that I was doing a good job, an excellent job. I could tell right there as he held my head, his fingers caressing my cheek,sitting forehead to forehead, nose to nose, that he was afraid of losing me. I would think he'd know by now that hes sooo much to me. Not everything, but almost. hes the man id be willing to let hold my heart. And thats saying a lot.

I dont even know what to say here. Im just venting and my poor bf just didnt know he could have just said "Nice" and then we would have never fought!
Let me tell you, I have NEVER EVER backed down from a fight when i know Im right. Never.
But it doesnt matter whether Im right. I had the option of just getting out of his car and walking away, making sure he knew I was pissed enough to not get any sweet kisses. But I didnt. I picked my battle...and this just wasnt it. I dont want to fight with him. I want to joke and laugh and share kisses and cokes. But not fight. I just love this guy so much it hurts to think of me not with him. Hes so hard to read....his emotions that is.
Men, tell your women how you feel!!

Sorry for venting. But if I cant vent on a blog, where can I?
I think im gonna do something to stop thinking about this so I dont cry.
Arghh I feel like an emo loser!!!

Ahh

I made it to the beach this morning to hang out with Liz. We went to the Ko'olina Lagoons, which are fabulous! :) I got a little sun and got to see my Lizzie! YAY!

:)

My boyfriend got the coolest Corvette. It is super sexy and I love riding in it. :)
And I can tell him driving it makes him feel different. It makes him cocky and sexy and irresistible. I love it!
We had dinner at PF Changs tonight..yummy! I had actually never been there before tonight, but surprise surprise i stuck to my diet! Woo hoo! We saw Madea Goes To Jail. Freakin hilarious...seriously, see it!
:) We just sat and talk an talked and talked. He said that the worst part of moving to the mainland is leaving me. Which isnt like him to say at all, but Im loving the new confident Brandon.
Not that i didn't love him before! :)
Ok, bed so I can work and then see him tomorrow night! Woo Hoo!

Hehehe

Online, I am a complainer. It is what i do.
Cause in real-not-on-the-web-life, I don't complain.

Sorry guys. :) But, Im gonna make up for it!

I had a really good day today. No work. Mom and Natalie fun.
I got a cute shirt, some $60 KSwiss shoes for $6.99.
a CUTE Coach bag for cheap. (Ok, a lot of $$, but cheap for Coach.)

We drank some vodka, had some fun.
It was good.

Im having a really good month so far! Hehehe and I stimulated the economy today!

Between a rock...

I feel like I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. I seriously love Brandon but it kills me when i don't hear from him for days. He just doesn't think about me. I mean, is it too much to send me one text to say "I'm gonna be busy this weekend, i probably wont be in touch"?
I really think I'm inconsequential to is life. He has me, great! He doesn't have me, eh. Isnt it the woman who is supposed to tell the guy "I could be with anyone else but I choose to be with you."? I feel likes hes with me cause its easy and the sex is great. I sometimes wonder why Im with him.
I wonder if Id be happier alone. Or happier with someone else.
I wonder when i'll slip and say i love him.
I wonder if that'll be the end, a really awkward moment, or the best thing ever.
Deep down I know it wont be the latter.

And most of the time i wonder if i over think everything.

I can only be the understanding gf for so long. Til I break.
Is it wrong that I feel so good when a stranger compliments me?
maybe because my bf never has. :(
Or at least I cant ever remember it.

Woohooo!

Brandon's sub pulled in this morning! Sweet!

*happy dance*

Thursday

:) I had a great first day at my new job! Yay!
:) And i got a great right hand ring. :) Boo to left hand rings!

Submarine Email

I got 2 messages from the sub saying my email was delivered. Awesome! except the e-mail was sent Jan 30th and 31st, and now it is Feb. 17th. Now, I dont even feel like writing to him because he never may even get it, and then I feel like Ive told him things when i havent. Confusing.
So I have no faith in the sub email. Now I just write little "texts" on paper and drop them into a box. :) He'll get them when he gets back...hopefully he wont think Im a psycho. Im just a loving gf who likes to have her bf in her life. Ahhh, sucks to be me. :)

On a more serious note, we've had something happen in our little family. Something serious. I will never write on here what it was, but its affected us all and if i break down and cry, its safe to say that thats why. I'm hurting right now, and there's nothing I can do about this situation. Hopefully time will heal all who are involved.
I love my family.
Please dont ask what happened.

The Divorce...the last entry about this bad boy!

As of Feb 10th, 2009 I am a divorced woman. Goodbye Mrs. Beem, hello Ms. Peterson!!!

SWEEET!

I got an email this morning at around 10:50am (when i checked it) that the boat was coming in and that there was a bbq going on at 10:30! I quickly called work to see if i could come in late,. and then booked it down to the pier! I got to see Brandon for 30 mins...ahh it was so good to get some kisses and for him to hold me. Only 3 more weeks!

Fun!

I hung out with the 771 Ohana tonight, then went to Kemo'o Farms (a bar) for some Corona's and some dancing with my Sarah.

Hell yeah!
I even won a beer cozie and a Corona hat!!

(771 Ohana is the group for the wives, girlfriends and fiancees of the men on the USS Columbia)

DIVORCE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

YAY!!!!

Ronnie signed and returned the divorce decree....the laywer got it yesterday after we left court!

Soo...the judge signs it and it gets filed...

AND IM DIVORCED!!!!!

SOOO HAPPY!

We are sooo going to celebrate this sometime SOON!!!!

Divorce....etc

I had another court date this morning. This one went VERY well. :) The judge was super nice and Ronnie's lawyer just wanted to continue MY default motion. The judge is giving Ronnie 1 week to send his laywer the divorce decree, and if is isnt received, my motion for default will be granted and I will be a divorced lady by next Thursday!

Who knew I'd be so excited to be getting divorced???

Oh, and I start my new job on the 19th!

New Job!

Many of you are unaware that I was looking for a new job.
:) And you would be right, I was not looking for a new job. Rather, it found me.
I had forgotten that I was on a nanny website for here in Hawaii. I got an email from a nice family on Jan 21st. I interviewed with them on the 29th, and I received word today that i got the job! It pays really well and its just perfect! It is for a family that lives in Hawaii Kai. The wife is due on Feb 16th with their 2nd child. Their 1st born is a son names Austin. :) The mom is a stay at home mom who just needs additional help. The hours are 30-35 hrs a week and are in the afternoon. Thats nice about the location is that its right near my college where I want to take my Associates degree in Nursing classes. :) Purrrrfect! I should start my job in 3 weeks. It all depends on when the father's mother comes in/goes home. (Here for the birth of the baby!)

Wow, Im just too excited for words!!!
Now I just need to get 33 credits done and I can be an LPN!!
I gotta get the NLN Admission test book so I can study to get into the nursing program!! I gotta get at least a 95 to get into the program! I took a sample test and got 2 questions right out of 5. yup, need to STUDY!!!


SOOO excited!!!

Just a thought...

I miss him terribly...
that is all.

Oh my goodness....

I got some REALLY REALLY REALLY good news today, but I wont share until I know its for reals!

Yay!!

I finished my 'new' bed and my purse hanger! Now my room looks so nice...and now i have a real bed, the first in 10 months!!






Have I ever mentioned I LOVE LOVE LOVE chocolate and teal? :) I do!!!

Yup, it started out well

Well, i finished the bed. Now I just have to find where the hell I put the nuts and bolts to put it back together! Arghhh!

I made myself a delicious dinner at about 4pm yesterday. fresh wild salmon, mashed potatoes and a salad. So yummy and healthy.

At 5pm I started to feel like...umm...I'm gonna throw up.
But I didn't.

Until 7pm. Bleh. Ill spare you the details. But lets just say I'm not surprised. Every time one of the kids at my center gets sick, I get it too. So i asked my dad to get some Sprite for me at the store. Sprite ALWAYS makes me feel better and its usually the only thing i can keep down when Ive got a stomach bug. I cant even keep down water when I'm sick....so weird!
Que waking up at 11:45pm. And throwing up. Yay! I just love love love being sick.
So I'm home sick. And hungry as hell. Technically haven't eaten anything since breakfast yesterday. At least it was a healthy green shake!!!
I hate calling into work. Even though they dont need me, I still hate it. Grrr.

Good start!

I started out today really well!
I awoke at 9am, which is NOT my normal wake up time on a weekend. I'm sure Ill regret it tomorrow. We'll see.
I started to sand my bed. For those of you who don't know, I'm a cheapskate. I refused to spend hundreds on a bed, so I perused Craigslist looking for the perfect bed. Then, one day when driving to work I saw a wooden frame for a twin bed on the side of the road ie; free! Score! It was covered in graffiti (Id kill my kid if he ever ruined his bed the way this kid did!), stickers and what not. But, thanks to the magic of sandpaper and a lot of elbow grease, it now looks fab! Anyway, I sanded it down to the wood, got rid of this tacky looking wagon wheel on it...and now I'm waiting for the first coat of paint to dry. :) AND, the best part about this project is its completely free! i already had the paint, and the sandpaper was free as well (dad has a supply, although I should probably replenish it!!) The only thing that is going to cost a little coin is I want to put fabric covered wood pieces on the headboard and foot board...just to give it the look of expensive furniture. That should run me about $20. Not bad for a bed!!!

After I sanded the bed, I washed it down. While waiting for that to dry, I made and enjoyed my breakfast Green Shake:
8oz soy milk
2 cups organic mixed baby greens
1/2 c baby carrots
1 apple
1 c strawberries
splenda

Thats 5 servings for fruits and veggies in one drink! Woo hooo!
Believe it or not, I didnt gag or throw up when drinking it. :)
Ive got a headache....caffeine is calling my name!!!
Natiiii!!!!!!!!

BTW

I'm a vegetarian...been one since Nov. 2nd officially. :)

I blogged it on MySpace...have y'all forgotten???

Even though I eat chicken rarely, I am still a vegetarian. Its called flexitarian. Look it up. Or better yet, go read my blog on MySpace! LOL

Things I want to do

Eat 8-10 servings of veggies and fruits a day
Drink lots of water...and drink it out of a healthy plastic container
Exercise 30mins a day (at least)
No food that isn't vegetarian, and no fast food
Drink at least 1 green smoothie a day
No center food (bad!!)
Pay off bills and save money so I can move
Stop spending money on stupid things

Sooo...

Im trying to plan my future. :) God help me...I usually mess things up when I do so. But Ive gotta pull myself up by my bootstraps and dig myself out of this hole of debt that my soon-to-be-ex-husband and I put myself into. Ive got to be responsible and not only pay off these bills, but save up money so I can move back to Texas, get a part time job and go to school.

I need to be a responsible adult. Im freakin 23 now.

So I'm making decisions. I hope they are the right ones, cause Lord knows I am a really bad decision maker!!!

In Retrospect...

I should have listened to her...oh the things you wish you paid attention to!

"Haha, sure I do. Fancy dinners, Trips to Las Vegas, helicopter ride through the grand canyon, cirque de soleil show, many promises, all felt so wonderful... wedding bells, a couple years of happiness, then a couple years of lots of tears, heartbreak, therapy and testifying in court. I had it all and i lost it all, and it took everything just to keep my insanity. Just trying to be the protective older sister here, not saying anything bad is going to happen, just dont rush things. Everything sounds so great between you two, and even though for years I've been against marriage, I'm not so much anymore. I do want to get married and have a family some day, but I have learned that no matter how great he is, or wonderful things seem, There is always something you don't know and probably won't find out unless you really pay attention. You guys have something good but be careful. I thought I had found something good, also... Many times.

(sorry, thought this was a little too personal to put in a comment)"

From my dear friend A who has gone through pretty much everything I have, although life has been a lot tougher on her. :) Love you A!

D Day

Tomorrow is the big day.

That is all.

Trying,..

To install a blog counter...not working!!!
Correction...finally got it to work! Yippee!!

Wow, wow , and wow!!

Wow, wow, wow!!!

I called a dealership to get a quote on a spare tire, figuring that I'd get the spare tire while I'm waiting to find an inexpensive rim. Turns out, the dam* spare tire is $185 at least!!! So I asked them if they sold individual rims ( a lot of places sell them in sets of 4). Turns out they do. He gave me the quote for the rim and I almost fell over...$129! I told him Id be right in to buy it! When I got there I even got a military discount, so the rim was $108, and with tax it came to $114! I expected the rim to be $200 at least!!! I bought it at 1:00pm and they got it in at 3pm. I had to work, so my mom had to pick it up. :) She went to the NEX Autoport and got a spiffy tire for $83 with installation! YAY! That means I paid $197 FOR A BRAND NEW RIM and TIRE! WOO HOO!!! Sometimes life is good, even though I really didnt want to buy the rim, I had to. :)And those Titanium people tried to make me pay $275 JUSt to fix my old bent rim, and then id still hafta buy the tire!!!Men who work in the auto industry: we women are not stupid. Be smart and treat us like we are.
Mahalo!!

:)

More rants about the bf...

You know whats weird about Brandon being gone? Its not like he's going to the mainland or Korea or Africa for 6 weeks. He's about 10 miles off the coast of Hawaii a couple miles (I'm not sure of the depth...but underwater for sure) underwater...so close but so far away. And it seems that since the Navy keeps bumping my emails back to me that they don't want the emails going to the sub. i can handle distance...my Air Force dad has been in and out of our house on TDY and at school since I was a young child..so I learned to talk to him over the phone. I just feel like Brandon will come back and we'll be strangers, or that how I feel will change, or how he feel will change. Am I alone in this?

My court date is in 2 days TWO DAYS. Will Ronnie show up? Will it all be resolved that day? More importantly, will I be able to talk to Brandon about what happens? I know I can do this whole divorce thing alone, but it doesn't mean that I want to. I know he wants to be here for me, so I'm going to try and be the strong person I always pretend to be until he comes back. I keep writing the little "texts" to him and then stick them in a box. He'll never get them, they are simply my worries and fears and thoughts. I wish I could share them with him, but they will be inconsequential when he comes home.
I really wish I had that ring he bought me.

Seriously?

Has it only been 4 days since Brandon left? Duuude...this isn't going to be easy at all! And whats weird is normally I see Brandon once a week, so why is it so hard for me? Quite a few times a day I think of something I want to tell him, I get out my phone and then I frown and throw my phone into my purse. And the email address he gave me doesn't work... which means I have to wait for him to email me. Lemme tell you...if he doesn't email me in the 6 weeks he's gone...grrrr.
I miss how he holds me.

Buut...

Other than the tire, life is good! :) I promise I'm not a complainer!!!

Royally pissed...

After a nice day at work, albeit long...I trekked home. As I turned out of Navy housing and onto Kamehameha Hwy, I hit a pothole. Not a huge one, but enough for me to say. "Shit, where'd that come from?" (The best language comes out of me in these kinds of situations)
I stopped and took note of a kinda bent section of rim, but didn't hear air gushing out, so I continued on my route. I decided to stop at Wal*Mart and loitered around for a good hour (gee Im lame at 11pm). When I finally walked to my car, I saw someone look at my car, then get in their car. I thought, lets check out the tire. Yup, going flat. Yay!! I lingered in my car in the parking lot debating, call dad, or try and make it to a gas station for some free air. I'm one to take chances, plus I really didn't want to wake my dad at nearly midnight and have to leave my car in the ghetto Wal*Mart parking lot. ;) I drove to Shell, thinking that by some miracle they'd have free air. Nope. Luckily I had 75 cents. Still hopeful that there was nothing wrong with my tire, I started to pump the air. Cue gushing air sound. Literally, I could hear the air coming out of my tire. Double yippee! And there goes $100+ of my wedding jewels money. Thank GOD I have money, cause lemme tell you, if I hadn't sold those rings I'd have to wait until next Thurs to fix the tire. As it stands, I'm sooo not thrilled. Luckily the tire held enough air for me to drive the 4 miles to my house.
So tomorrow I get to go get an outfit for a 2 yr old's birthday party, drop off my tire to get *hopefully* fixed, and then go to said 2yr old's party. :)
Im tired.

Thinking...

I get in trouble when I think.
Case in point...I sold my wedding rings today. Ahh, the end of an era. Before I sold them, I put them on my finger, and I went back. Back to when I was miserable in frigid Chicago. But also when I was around my friends, my wonderful job, and the ex's family...I loved that family. I felt nostalgic wearing those rings, not to mention I LOVED having a sparkly sparkly on my finger. Uh oh. Yeah, I felt a little sadness in getting rid of those rings. But really, Id NEVER wear them because of their memories, and it really is high time i got rid of them. I got asking price, and the couple who bought them was VERY pleased. :) Now I just wait for Brandon to pick out a ring to replace the one her ordered for me but never got in the mail. Ahh, online businesses going out of business. Life!

I missed Brandon today, but then i didn't. Life goes on, yeah? He's my darling and I want him to be here, but Im finally understanding what its like to be a military girlfriend...your man also has another person in his life, his job! Sad, but true and unavoidable.
My iPod went dead, so I put in a CD when I was driving home from a friend's house and listening to Carrie Underwood's "Lessons Learned" really made me proud of where I am.

Been some bad times I've been through,
Damage I cannot undo,
Some things,
I wish I could do all all over again,
But it don't really matter,
Life gets that much harder,
It makes you that much stronger,
Oh, some pages turned,
Some bridges burned,
But there were,
Lessons learned.

[Chorus:]
And every tear that had to fall from my eyes,
Everyday I wondered how I'd get through the night,
Every change, life has thrown me,
I'm thankful, for every break in my heart,
I'm grateful, for every scar,
Some pages turned,
Some bridges burned,
But there were lessons learned.

I also remember sitting in my car driving home from somewhere when I decided to leave Ronnie....and I know exactly what song was playing the moment I knew I HAD to move one, Carrie Underwood's "Starts with Goodbye."

I was sitting on my doorstep,
I hung up the phone and it fell out of my hand,
But I knew I had to do it,
And he wouldn't understand,
So hard to see myself without him,
I felt a piece of my heart break,
But when you're standing at a crossroad,
There's a choice you gotta make.

[Chorus:]
I guess it's gonna have to hurt,
I guess I'm gonna have to cry,
And let go of some things I've loved,
To get to the other side,
I guess it's gonna break me down,
Like falling when you try to fly,
It's sad, but sometimes moving on with the rest of your life,
Starts with goodbye.

Sometimes I have Cd's I just cant listen to because if it was music I really loved at one time in my life, I listened to that CD constantly, and thus that music is glued to that point in time and those feelings.
I almost cried today because I just wanted to share things with Brandon and i was so mad that I couldn't. I have this box on my bookshelf that has our picture on it. every time I want to talk to him (we usually text...) I write a little note and put it in there. It helps just enough to ease the pain a little bit. The only problem is that the poor man will be soo out of the loop by the time he gets back. But, Im a chatterbox and hes an awesome listener and he actually enjoys hearing what I have to say! Did I fond a catch or what?
Another awesome thing is that I can text my sister in Korea. The downside is its 20 cents a pop. (hey, when did they take the cent symbol off the keyboard???) But anyway, it gives us a chance to chat and keep in contact. I think we're gonna get a little bit closer, and I like that.

Okay people, I'm gonna try and get some sleep...thanks for reading!!

For Brandon...even though he doesn't know this blog exists...

Handwriting...

Handwriting...

I just submitted my handwriting to kevinandamanda.com for it to be made into font! Exciting! :)

Well, at least the day started out well...

I worked a glorious 6 hours today, as well as worked out for an hour and a half. I feel so good, and I just know the pounds are melting off.

Then I talk to Brandon (the bf). I use the word talk lightly, because in retrospect, we exchanged a total of 4 texts. He texts me at 9:15 to let me know he's still at work and also that he has duty tomorrow. {For those of you not familiar with the Navy, which was me 4 months ago, duty is a 24 hr shift that starts at approx. 7am and ends at [you guessed it] approx 7am the next day.} That being said, Brandon leaves for 6 weeks Friday morning.

:( Thus my sadness. I saw him on Friday night with the assumption that i would have one more time with him. I didn't even get to say goodbye to him, and we parted on an interesting note.

I just, well, want to hold him one more time. I want to memorize his smell and the look he gives me when we're together. I want to hear him say that being with me is "worth it" and that he'll miss me.
I just want him.
Im not going to rant about the Navy because they pay both my and his bills, but dating a Navy guy is hard.
I love him. I wish I could have the gumption to tell him that.
Im so scared for my heart.

I cried for the first time since I left Ronnie in Feb of last year.
A friend and I were talking about how the divorce affects how we think. I think it affects how Brandon sees me. I don't know if he can love me knowing I'm married to another man. (as unmeaningful as that union is at this point)
But my friend had a really good point. She said:
"like he doesnt see it as a married woman, he just sees it as the woman im in love with"
Im so involved with the divorce and figuring out how to erase Ronnie from my life that I forget about this wonderful man who doesn't care about my past, doesn't care about my mistakes or my faults, but who loves me for who I am, beautifully broken and all! Thanks JH! :)

I need to take my sleeping pills and get some sleep...where's my Lunesta so all these crazy thoughts can stop?

:) Love,
Natalie